TRAUMA BOND

You may develop a trauma bond in relationships with toxic people, whether they have narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies. A trauma bond occurs when you have become emotionally attached to someone that abuses you.

These are some of the signs of being trauma-bonded:

You Realize You Don't Even Like This Person

When you spend time with a toxic person, you realize you dislike being around them. You feel angry toward them but know it's unsafe for you to express your feelings. You may have physical reactions to being near the person or having them touch you. Your skin may crawl, or you feel sick to your stomach. Getting some time to yourself is a huge relief. Yet you find yourself drawn to this person and don't know why since you don't like them.

Your Relationship Is Built Around Guilt and Shame

A toxic person uses fear, obligation, and guilt to keep you in their grasp. If you speak up for your needs, you are told you are selfish and demanding. Worse yet, you are told you have no right to those needs. When you set boundaries, they are systematically dismantled. When you plan to go out, you are guilted into staying home. They may tell you that you "owe" them after "everything I've done for you." You are told you can't do anything right. Your parenting is criticized, and you are told your kids would be better off if you weren't their parent. The more you try to break free, the more you are guilted and shamed.

You're Not Sure You'd Leave if the Abuse Increased

The longer you are with a toxic person, the more the abusive behavior is normalized. Because of the guilt and shame, you are subjected to, you may be less likely to leave if the abuse increases. If you leave, you, your family, and your pets may have been threatened. You may have been isolated from others, leading to you not getting support outside your relationship. Before this relationship, you may have had difficulty understanding why victims of abuse don't leave their partners. Now you understand.

You Have Been Lovebombed, Devalued, and Hoovered

Your relationship with a toxic person may have an extreme push-pull cycle. At the beginning of your relationship, you are showered with attention, gifts, and verbal affirmation. You are told by the toxic person that you are perfect, and they have never met someone like you. This is the love-bombing phase.

When you set a boundary or exert independence, you experience being devalued by the toxic person. You go from being someone who can "do no wrong" to someone who can "do no right." When you try to leave the relationship, the toxic person tries to get you to stay so they can continue to feed their "narcissistic supply." If you have left the relationship, the toxic person may go to extreme lengths to contact you. This is referred to as hoovering. If you do return to the relationship, you may experience a short period of love bombing, but it will return to the same level of toxicity.

You Are Hypervigilant

A healthy relationship is consistent; you can be reasonably sure of each others' behavior and how you react in different situations. However, you may be "walking on eggshells" in a toxic relationship. You are careful about what you say and do so you don't set the toxic person "off." Sometimes you are treated reasonably well by the toxic person — then suddenly, you are treated terribly and blamed for this treatment. When you are experiencing hypervigilance, you are on high alert, and relaxing is almost impossible. You try to predict what behaviors to expect from the toxic person — but their behavior is unpredictable. When you are hypervigilant, your brain reacts not unlike the way prey reacts to a predator.

Conclusion

If you may be trauma-bonded to someone, talk to a licensed mental health professional (MHP) about your experience. You may be carrying guilt and shame, making it even more challenging to leave the relationship. An MHP can help you understand the power of the trauma bond and how to break free from it. One of the most effective ways to free yourself from a trauma bond is to go no-contact or low-contact with the toxic person. However, that can be a complex process that requires a great deal of thought. An MHP can assist you through that process.

 

It’s a question many people ask themselves after ending a relationship with a narcissist. Why did I stay so long? Why did I put up with their constant put-downs, their Gaslighting, their manipulative behavior?

There are many reasons why people stay in relationships with narcissists. Sometimes it’s because the narcissist is charming and charismatic at the start of the relationship. Other times, it’s because the narcissist has threatened to hurt them or their loved ones if they try to leave.
Sometimes, it’s simply because the person doesn’t realize they’re in a relationship with a narcissist. They may not be aware of the signs of narcissism, or they may be in denial about the severity of the narcissist’s behavior.

Whatever the reason, it’s important to remember that you are not to blame for the narcissist’s behavior. You are not responsible for their actions, and you can’t control them. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and make the decision to leave the relationship.

When I thought about this, I thought, “oh well, I guess this is all there is for me.” That set me on the path of making the best of what I have. As an empath, I despised my common law partner/husband low moods and rages. When an abused victim develops unhealthy attachments to their abuser, this causes them to form a trauma bond. As a result of narcissistic relationships, abuse is frequently avoided with little or no reward. When he was a nightmare, my feelings for him were extremely hurt. In the end, he would manipulate his way out of every shitty situation he had created – and he was extremely skilled at it.

Narcissists are prone to narcissistic traits such as over-intriguing, harsh criticism, and a lack of empathy, which can make it difficult to maintain a close relationship with them. In any case, if your partner is unwilling to work on their narcissistic tendencies, you are probably best-off leaving.

The study found that grandiose narcissists are more likely to engage in jealousy to gain power and control, exact revenge on their partner, test and strengthen the relationship, seek security, and compensate for low self-esteem. On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are more likely to engage in jealousy.

A long-term relationship with a narcissist is possible, but it is often fraught with difficulties. A narcissist is someone who is excessively self-centered and obsessed with their own appearance and achievements. This can make it difficult for them to truly understand and care about the needs and feelings of their partner. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you may find yourself feeling unimportant, invisible, and even worthless. You may also find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering your partner’s anger or hurt feelings. While it is possible to have a long-term relationship with a narcissist, it is often a difficult and challenging one.

First and foremost, it is important to remember that no two people will experience Narcissistic Abuse exactly the same way, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution.  Keep in mind that each stage of the cycle is divided into four parts. In many cases, a narcissist will initiate the cycle again in order to teach their target to return. The second point to make is that narcissists do not change; psychologists, therapists, and neuroscientists all agree that narcissists do not change. It is due to the narcissist’s mental disorder that he or she cannot control his or her actions, which are harmful to others. narcissists do not have the ability to maintain a relationship indefinitely because they value the benefits of it above all else. As a result, the narcissist will often use their target in order to gain a competitive advantage, resulting in a cycle of abuse that will never end. 

 It is critical to remember that narcissistic abuse cannot be attributed to the victim.  A victim should speak up if he or she is being treated unfairly, and no one deserves to be treated this way. If you or someone you know is being abused by a narcissist, you should seek professional help. You deserve the assistance you require to get through this difficult time, and there are resources available.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Concrete Angel

Reference : Mental Health matters.com
 

Ending the Cycle

It can be difficult to end the cycle of abuse, especially if your partner has convinced you that it is somehow your fault. That being said, overcoming the cycle can be done.

The first step in breaking the cycle is acknowledging that there is one. Oftentimes, you will see your partner’s abusive behaviors as one-offs instead of character faults. You will also know the honeymoon periods and conclude that they are their most authentic self during the good parts of the relationship.

While it can be difficult to change this thinking pattern, you have to recognize that those honeymoon periods are just an act to help the abuser gain control.

After that, you can seek help from a professional counselor or friends and family. They will help you see the cycle of abuse you are trapped in further. During this time, you may experience several more cycles of abuse with your partner. It’s important to remember that it is not your fault.

 

Emerging from an abusive relationship presents the opportunity to shift from a surviving mode to a thriving mode. During this period of transition, independence and practical everyday challenges happen while you may be rebuilding self-esteem and healing emotionally. It’s no easy task, and understanding what may lie ahead and developing a course of action can help you flourish, prosper and grow.

 

CELEBRATE AND LOVE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

When you wake up each morning, thank yourself for everything that represents you. Thank your eyes for allowing you to see, your smile for making others smile, your hair for protecting your head from the sun, your body for giving you the ability to move, your mind for allowing you to think, and your heart for letting you feel, etc.

You are a walking miracle, so don’t ever forget that.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Concrete Angel.

#bsurvivalmode #befearless #learningtoheal #domesticviolenceawareness

 

FULLY FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Any wrongdoings or mistakes are part of your journey – you don’t have to feel ashamed or guilty about anything you said or did in the past. Fully embrace the ups and downs of this existence, and accept that your imperfections make you perfect. You didn’t know in the past what you know now, so you had to experience certain tests and trials to grow as a person. The entirety of creation dwells within you, so remember this next time you go down the path of self-destructive thoughts.

Everything that you go through only gets you closer to your highest self.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Concrete Angel

 

YOU ARE ALREADY WHOLE.

You don’t need anything outside yourself to become whole. Instead, you represent the entire universe and already have everything you need. You have love, compassion, strength, happiness, and all the things you seek outside yourself that you may have forgotten you already possess.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE CONCRETE ANGEL.

#domesticviolencesurvior #courage #abuseawareness #abuserecovery #abuseawareness

 

IT IS TIME TO LOVE YOURSELF AGAIN. YOU DESERVE THE KIND OF LOVE YOU WOULD GIVE TO SOMEONE ELSE.

We fall in and out of love with ourselves…a lot throughout life. We temporarily lose sight of our true loving nature whenever we think negatively about ourselves. Even the ascended “spiritual masters” have had moments where they don’t like themselves; the duality of love and hate, light and dark, you and I. It’s a persistent illusion that we all struggle to see past at times. In reality, we all come from Love, whatever and wherever that place may exist.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE CONCRETE ANGELS

 

PRACTICE LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION.

Before you can show love and kindness to anyone else, you need to give it a place to live within you. You must let it permeate every cell of your being and become the qualities you seek outside yourself. One of the best ways to cultivate love and kindness within is to meditate on these states of being. Imagine yourself as a being of light, who radiates compassion and love for yourself and everyone on this Earth.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE CONCRETE ANGELS.

 

DO WHAT YOUR HEART WANTS.

Never deny what your soul longs for. After all, that call is why you’re here. Whatever you feel drawn to, go after it. If you want to travel the world, do it. If you want to start an organic garden, start it. Don’t wait until tomorrow or next month, or next year; do what you want while you can. You must nourish your soul and listen to your innermost desires to love yourself. You can’t love yourself if you reject what you came here to do. We all have different likes and dislikes, but these characteristics help us connect with our highest selves.

 

If you want to know where to find your contribution to the world, look at your wounds. When you learn how to heal them, teach others.

 

“In addition to reaching out for help, you will also need to reach within yourself. Your biggest ally will be your emotions. Through them, you will learn more about what really happened to you, how the abuse affected you, and what you need to do in order to heal. Your emotions will enable you to reclaim the self you long ago hid away.”

 

“I have the power to change my physical and emotional experience.” ― Patricia Dsouza

 

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” — Brené Brown

 

Please know that you can get out and it will not always be an easy road, and it will be lonely at times. But it only gets better, life is too beautiful to live it trapped and abused and hiding under the shame of it all.

 

 

 It is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.

 

Stages of Recovery After Trauma

Every survivor’s journey to healing is different and shouldn’t be rushed

For those who have lived through the trauma of an abusive or violent partner, they may expect an instant sense of relief once they’ve escaped, a calming peace after they shut the door on that chapter of their lives.

Instead, what they can experience is sometimes completely different. Instead of tranquility, they may feel anxious. Instead of joy, they may feel guilt. 

Or, they may feel nothing at all. This is normal. They are emotions that come with the stages of recovery after trauma. 

“Trauma recovery looks different for everyone sometimes, survivors feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are ‘failing’ at recovery because they read books and can’t relate to how others have coped.

 

The Three Stages Might Look Like This

 

Phase One: Safety and Stabilization. Trauma survivors tend to feel unsafe in their bodies and in relationships with others. They may struggle with regulating their everyday emotions, which they may not associate directly with the trauma. It may take months or even years to regain a sense of safety. Top of Form

 

Bottom of Form

Phase Two: Remembrance and Mourning. This is when survivors may begin to process the trauma, assigning words and emotions to it to help make meaning of it. This process is best undertaken with a trained counselor or therapist. It’s important to mourn the losses associated with the trauma and give oneself space to grieve and express emotions. 

 

 Phase Three: Reconnection and Integration. Here, survivors recognize the impact of the victimization they experienced, yet begin to believe that trauma is no longer a defining principle in their life. They begin to redefine themselves in the context of meaningful relationships, create a new sense of self and create a new future. In some instances, they may find a mission through which they can heal and grow, such as mentoring or becoming an advocate for others. 

If Self-Blame Is One of Your Stages domestic violence survivors feel emotionally beaten down, with overwhelming amounts of self-blame and confusion about who is “at fault” in the relationship. 

I think frustration more accurately describes what they are feeling, most depressed survivor’s, there is a deep sense of resignation—‘This is my life,’ ‘I don’t know how I ended up here but I did,’ etc.” 

Survivors are often conditioned to be passive by their abusers—showing anger could literally put their life at risk. So, to have anger over what happened isn’t a natural emotion for many survivors. Reclaiming their voice and learning how to not be afraid of their emotions is a significant part of her work with survivors.

Remember, Recovery Takes Time

Unfortunately, healing from trauma—no matter if the abuse lasted a few months or a few decades—is not an overnight process. In fact, "getting over it" may never be a part of a survivor's recovery. Abuse can have a lifelong impact, but the severity of its effects can be lessened by getting help. 

“I have heard many, many survivors say I just want to be over this and move on as fast as possible.  But recovery just doesn’t work that way.

 

If a survivor tries to rush the recovery process and not really “do the work” so to speak, they may end up continuing to deal with issues from the—anxiety, depression, and an increased risk of being a target for an abuser again, among them. There can be a lot of self-judgment about how long the process of recovery takes, It depends on survivor’s unique experience. 

What’s amazing to witness is that ultimately, everyone truly does have what they need inside of them to recover, it just may take a bit of help to get there.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Concrete Angel Survivor

REFERENCE: www.domesticshelters.org

 

Survivors will find a way to move forward after domestic violence.

It might seem impossible right now, survivors, given where you are, but one day it’s entirely probable that you’ll be able to look back on the abuse you endured as just another chapter of your story, and not the entire book.

This is called closure. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten what happened—that’s not realistic—and it doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven your abuser. It also doesn’t mean you’ve healed completely and have no residual effects from the abuse.

What closure means to many survivors of intimate partner abuse is that they’re moving on. They’re starting anew. They’re walking themselves, scars and all, into a safer and healthier future.

This future may or may not include a new relationship. Many survivors like to take time after leaving an abusive partner to make sure they can make safe, healthy decisions about the next partner that comes their way.

To Find Closure.

“My closure came from talking with other women who had been through similar things and seeing the kind of strength that can come out of it … and learning how abusers use all their different tactics. It made me go from victim to survivor.”

“I hate thinking ‘woe is me’ so much. I’m not getting closure and I just want to help other people.”

Be it altruism, time, space or just some tough love self-talk, closure is a personal journey that can look different for every survivor. That’s why we asked our survivor or followers to share with us what worked for them after abuse.

I want to be an advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves. My journal became a book. I allowed myself the painful process of healing and learning the importance of boundaries in every part of my life, which is hard because I’m naturally a helper to others. Allowing myself to see I was just as important as anyone I would be happy to help was key to me stepping away from that part of life and moving forward. Counseling, good friends and family reminding me I deserved better, and time has helped me. Cutting the ties and connections to all those who I have learned to realize were toxic relationships and cutting off all communication with them.

Deleting all contact information and pulling away contact from ‘his’ friends that became your friends. Unfortunately, all ties to the abuser need to be cut or moving on is very difficult.

Five Tips for Moving Forward

Looking for closure for yourself? Start with these five tips from The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1. Cut off all contact with your abusive ex-partner. If you need to get something off your chest, write it in a letter, but don’t send it.
2. Surround yourself with support. Consider joining a support group, talking to a counselor or reaching out to a domestic violence advocate who will listen.
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Remember that you will get better with time. You don’t need to rush the healing Process.

CONCRETE ANGEL - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Reference: www.domesticshelters.org