The Person in the Mirror Looking Back

 

I remember that day when I took a long look into the mirror at myself, and I could not recognize the person looking back at me. My eyes were so dark and filled with tears I could see the reflection of parts of my body that I was living in, I was looking at the person I had become during the relationship I felt scared, unloved, and abused. The happy loving person and my beauty in me was gone. 

During the relationship I gained so much weight and stopped caring about myself because I focused on him, always wanting to make him happy and not angry. But everything I did was wrong in his eyes and the abuse kept going on.   There were days when I just wanted to die, and I wanted his anger and harmful words to stop.   Part of me started giving up on life. The only thing I could do was to control the hurt was block my emotions and try to walk away or stay out of his way.  I found only way to release my emotions and hurt was in the bathroom where I would cry and sometimes in there, I would ask God what I did to deserve this treatment please make it stop. I begged God for peace I am getting too old and sick to have this kind of battle. I had to deal with cancer, heart issues and the aftereffects of brain surgery I cannot take no more.  I just want love and peace and end my life happy and with someone.  I have no more strength to battle life anymore or this relationship I was in.

But I knew during the episodes they would only last a day or two depending on him and things would be normal again. I had to try and get through those days and try and block the hateful words and threats to me, it was the only way to get through these difficult days and times.

He made me feel worthless throughout the relationship and unloved and made me feel everything was my fault my entire life and with our relationship. His words always hit me to the core and made me cry and he knew what he did and hurt me.  He knew all my weaknesses because I trusted him with my life and soul. This is how he started mentally and emotionally breaking me down and my spirit and soul.  He would terrorize me with his words and tell me no one loved me and everyone around me as per friends did not like me that no one gave a shit about me etc…Or the time I was scared for surgery due to cancer he told me he wished I would die on the operating table .He would tell me I was a terrible human being and mother and failure in life not to mention if I left, I would have nothing, and he would make me pay.  I started gradually through the years of abuse, fear and scared about everything and life.

No matter what I did or not did I was the blame for everything in our relationship, and it was me that made it this way Not him.  I started feeling I could not do right no matter how hard I tried he still would find a way to be angry with me. I realized now I took on more than my share in the relationship and he expected more from me. I was there to do a job all along, it was not love, I now see. 

I also realize he really did not know me or love me, or he would never hurt me the way he did or treat me in a cruel way. I also had to realize his promises were lies and we were not a team in the relationship.

Today I looked into that mirror and remember.

Spending my last day in my home in the bathroom crying alone and fighting with myself and the person in the mirror. I had no choice but to make it stop no matter how I felt about him or what lies ahead in my future for me; I cannot live this way no more. I had to tell myself over and over he did not love me. I also had to tell myself I cannot win this battle with him I cannot prove my love nor prove that I was not his enemy he made me out to be but I was the person who stood by him through everything and even the awful things he did.  Nor was he ever going to change for me in the behavior patterns.  

I also had to find out if I was right about the betrayal which became known. Everyone saw the fast change and boasted about it on social media.  But I kind a knew with all the women he had as friends and him asking for friendships form women around the world he was looking for better opportunities or replacements.  I also had to leave for the safety of myself as per threats from him in our last fight he terrified me to my soul. 

I also started to ask myself how you can love someone that hates you and makes you feel like you were nothing.   I realized now why I stayed in the relationship because I had faith in him to change and when the behavior started, I knew after would come the gaslighting and I got the person I knew he could be.  Plus, he also controlled everything financially.

During the gaslighting he would listen and then make promises of change to me and for seconds maybe he cared and loved me.  But soon it would go back to the aggression and intimidation person he was; he would scare and threaten me about everything, how he would make me pay and everything was my fault I was causing the fights if I just followed the rules. . I had no one to talk to. I could not talk to him about how I felt because it would be about him and how I was wrong.  I needed to try and get help professionally with what was going on in my life but only a few friends that were close at the time knew.

I thought at this age I was supposed to be living my dream with someone and in a safe place where I can tell them everything about me and trust them.   Not fear them…I did not want perfect we all know relationships have up and down moments, but we were a team. He was supposed to be in love with me and I could trust him with my life and that our home was going to be filled with love, respect, and a family.  Also that we were working as a team together building a future together. Not to mention trusting them with your soul and heart. 

I started realizing that our home was no more than a battlefield war zone from him.  That his behavior in the relationship was aggressive controlling and manipulating patterns. I also found during the relationship I had no voice or even stood up for myself to his abusive patterns if I did it would get worse the attacks and punishment. 

I took on more of the relationship and was walking on eggshells around him trying to keep the peace in the relationship and family together, it was sucking the life out of me.   I tried so hard to make it stop and make him see. I also realize I had no rights in our home his rules, choices and demands, he treated me as nothing and worthless. If you did not follow his rules expect a lashing out or punishment but you see he took it to a whole different level of aggression and emotional abuse. No matter what I did or done for him he made me feel I was not good enough.  He made sure to let me know his power over me that I have nothing.  He kept calling me trailer trash all the time and other names and that no one loved me, and I had nothing before we met.   He mentally and emotionally abused me when angry and manipulating things in my head.

I was walking on eggshells all the time trying hard to keep the relationship that I started shutting down and putting blindfolds on.  I even came to the point where I almost harmed myself, not proud of what I did but the pain of being with someone that did not love me and wanted to hurt and punish me that made me feel unloved and a person made me feel this way.

 I started thinking is this how my life is going to end living an environment without love and that my thoughts as a person did not matter to anyone.  My voice became small, no one heard me, I was just there to do a job I started questioning every choice I have ever made, blaming myself for being in this situation, and started speaking very unkindly to myself from all the things he put in my head.

This time was different when I looked in the mirror after my last attack. I put my face really close to the mirror, almost bopped my nose on the glass, and looked directly into my eyes.

For answers why this happening to me why cannot my life be normal and love I also asked God to.  Give me strength for what I need to do. For a moment I looked and looked, studying my eyes and saw the bloodshot pupils and said its time for the peace in your life its time to let go. 

I let go of all the hurt and pain inside me and only way I did was to slowed down enough to listen and remove and see the truth about my current situation, instead of judging myself  and feeling like I did something wrong and realizing it wasn’t me and I cannot make him love me or see me as a human being.  I did not want to live my life this way. 

It was not until I left and trust me, I was terrified cause I had nothing, no money, no home and nowhere to go. It was one of the biggest leaps in my life.  I realized how much he controlled my life, the finances and everything, our dreams we build together even my way of thinking during the relationship. He left me with nothing.  With broken heart pain and suffering not because I choose to leave but the effects of the relationship. He left me with PTSD from domestic abuse. I didn’t need anyone to confirm I was broken after I left who wouldn’t be; I was living in my brokenness and intimately familiar with it already.  I am still waiting for therapy, because I could not afford it plus was not able to get help during the covid time. So, I read books, journaled until I ran out of pages and ink, and tried to find my way back home to myself. And I did. Through the activities of new friends, building new dreams without thinking about tomorrow. Accepting life.

I am starting to love life again. Mentally, I am there. On the outside my life needs improvement. But I am there, I still have fears with people. I am not the same person anymore I used to be and accepting it.   I finally know what I am doing with my life and goals just by taking steps to get there and in no rush, and I have learned to appreciate everything around me. The days of me sulking is behind me, I feel like another battle I have won. I still have many battles ahead of me as per building new dreams.  But time is all I got and in no rush to get there. I accepted the people who have left my life who I loved. Depression is an ongoing war inside, and every step forward I should be celebrating every day I get through.  I have also learned that love is just a fairy tale. 

I can now look into the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back at me and trying hard to love her life accepting her faults and finding strength to get through the day and that is all that matters.  My life may not have everything, but it’s ok I been here before when I first started my life. If people cannot see or feel my love and want to hurt me then they must go.  I still have a battle ahead of me with the final ending of the relationship as per court and legal, but I am ready for what life will throw at me and what is right and this time I will not stand for anyone judging me and learning to speak my mind again.  I have so much love in me and hope one day my story helps others get through this and know you are not alone.

I also want to let anyone who is going through something like this let me make this perfectly clear: there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken at all. and do not listen to people telling you that you are. And you will find that there are behaviors and patterns that you will no longer notice that are will no longer serving you. Stand up for yourself and do not let anyone take that power from you.

You are beautiful and loved. You are Not Alone

 

Concrete Angel

Tuesday D’Eon