Dealing with PTSD AND CPTSD

 A home and partner are supposed to be your haven in a world that’s sometimes chaotic and stressful. But when there is domestic abuse and domestic violence such as bullying and manipulation where you live, it can be a continuous source of stress and undermine your psychological stability and mental health.

Domestic Abuse is defined as ‘an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, betrayal, intimidation, financial, psychological, economic and violent behavior, it can also include sexual violence for some, in many cases it is done by a partner or ex-partner, but also can be by a family member or caretakers too. Domestic abuse does not always involve physical violence. 

Those who incite domestic abuse often exhibit behaviors that manipulate, frighten, humiliate, blame, and injure physically and/or mentally. It can happen to anyone regardless of gender, sexual orientation, age, race, faith, level of education, or socioeconomic background. 

PTSD And Domestic Violence 

PTSD is a mental health disorder in which individuals exposed to traumatic events experience disruptions in thought and behavior, often reliving the event or fearing a recurrence through flashbacks, dreams, and memories. Symptoms of PTSD can also manifest as issues such as panic attacks, depression and more. 

Survivors of physical and emotional trauma may feel as though they are in danger when exposed to certain types of people, scenarios, environments, and even some sensory experiences. PTSD can cause a dramatic reaction, either emotionally or physically, whenever those triggers are present because of years of abuse or a single major life-threatening event. No matter how much time has passed, these feelings may be as strong as they were during the event.

People who witness physical and emotional abuse will and can develop PTSD. Depending on what they went through or witness, the frequency and intensity of PTSD symptoms can vary widely. In cases of PTSD, symptoms may come in the form of nightmares, constant fear or sadness, depression, trouble socializing, and dramatic reactions to triggering situations, people, or places. 

Regardless of the severity of symptoms, proper treatment and support are vital. If PTSD is left unaddressed, symptoms may worsen, and treatment may become more difficult. 

How can domestic abuse cause PTSD?

Even if the victim escapes their abuser, it can take time to adjust to a safe environment. This is particularly true if the perpetrator was very controlling and/or violent over a long period of time. When trauma is not processed properly, it can linger in the subconscious and cause severe psychological problems that inhibit a person’s day-to-day life, such as PTSD or C-PTSD.

Fear can become overwhelming during and after an experience of abuse. In instances of domestic abuse, this can be exacerbated by the fact that the perpetrator remains close by, often for long periods of time.

What can help after experiencing domestic abuse?

The very first thing that can help in the aftermath of domestic abuse is to seek emotional support. This should come from a trusted person like a friend or family member. It’s important to escape the situation, if possible, as the longer you are exposed to that fear and danger, the more likely it is that symptoms of PTSD will occur.

Unfortunately, the victim does not always have full control over their options. In some cases, the abuser may even seek the emotional support of the victim after a traumatic event, which inhibits the victim’s ability to care for themselves.

My story of Domestic abuse gave me PTSD and some CPTSD symptoms.

When I came out of my situation of domestic abuse, I felt confused, I had no clue who I was anymore and lost myself along the way and I wondered how I got here in my life how did I let this happen to me. I guess I was also mad at myself for allowing it to happen to me. But when in love we sometimes put blindfolds on and hope for change or love from the person and that the abuse would stop the violent behavior.

I Think about when I was a kid. When I wasn't afraid of following my heart, exploring new things, learning new lessons.... I never was afraid of failing in life.  In fact, I found my genuine self and spoke my mind unapologetically. But then something happened suddenly I changed so much?

I guess the fact is I grew up in abuse and my relationship was also abusive and I started giving more importance to what others think about me and trying so hard to make things work. Trying hard to keep the peace and everyone happy, I started thinking about how I was perceived by my social circles to take precedence over being my genuine self.  Status happened. Responsibilities happened, kids etc.   I started putting people first before me, trying to make everyone around me happy, which led me not to think of me anymore or my dreams or what I wanted.  I started allowing people to abuse my kindness, love and take advantage of me. I found that the people I loved hurt me so deeply and how they treated me was horrible but that's another story on what they did to me and what happened. .  

I guess that's how I got here today with PTSD and some signs of CPTSD, looking at life a lot differently and starting to find myself again and now dealing with my new mental health issues such as PTSD and some signs of CPTSD from the mental and psychological abuse and how it affected me today and dealing with my life today. 

 I thought at my age I would be living my life with my best friend, and we would be enjoying life and be so in love with each other that this world could never tear us apart.   That we would be a team together working together on a better life and future.  But the person I got with didn’t turn out like that. I know that relationships are hard work and not always perfect, but respect and boundaries are in play in working things through and understanding each other.  We are not supposed to be enemies or at war with each other all the time or the relationship be a one-sided conversation or one dominating controlling the relationship.  Your partner is supposed to be someone you can trust that will not harm you, betray you or abuse you. Or lead you down a road of pain and hurt it supposed to be loving and working on goals and understanding each other.

Since my escape from domestic abuse every day I question myself in the after mass wondering why I stopped fighting back or even picked up and left or try to even escape. Why did I let this person make me feel this way and abused me in way that left me with PTSD and some CPTSD as to what they did to me mentally was horrible. I thought many times how can hurt the person you are supposed to be in love with this way… I guess being the loyal one and trying hard to keep the relationship I realize who the true team player was.  I guess when times were bad in the verbal abuse attacks when punishment was done, I remembered how good it could be during the gaslighting stages I got the man I wanted him to be during these stages. the kind loving and passionate. I would also remember when we first met the promises, he made to me or how he made me feel safe but guess that was the honeymoon stage until day I moved in all things changed.  I had to start realizing he never loved me but need me to do a job it really hurt deep more That I was living an illusion in the relationship I was more alone in the relationship and had to keep my thoughts and feeling closed and locked up and walk on eggshells.  After every fight they would promises they would try and change their anger behavior.  Me wanting the relationship I believed them each time.  And the gaslighting started but things would go back to normal.  

But the reality is we cannot force love or make someone love us nor can we change a person to see how his anger and explosions hurt us, so we begin to have little control over the defense mechanisms of our brains during domestic abuse. It’s like your heart and head fighting each other constantly.

During ongoing abuse, I started seeing now myself going into the 5 F repones to avoid the verbal attacks which were the fight, flight, freeze, flop, fawn trauma response it started happening during the Relationship and with the abuse frequently happening it only allowed me little room for ‘logic’ or reasoning in the moment of abuse. I must admit I didn’t reach the stages of flop but many times I felt the experience that made me want to flop as per the sensation went through my body trying hard to block things out or his manipulating words that hurt me deeply.

 Each time I found myself trying harder to make things work, making sure he wasn’t stressed I started walking on eggshells, taking on more and more to prove his accusations were wrong and that I loved him but found I started losing myself during the process slipping deeper into depression. I couldn’t give any more into the relationship, I wasn’t his enemy that he made me out to be.  A relationship is supposed to be doing things together and loving each other the same but when its one-way street and the abuse doesn’t stop and keeps continuing you must decide is this how my life is going to end with someone who abuses me and doesn’t love me. Our last fight woke me up deeply and scared me to the depth to my soul. Something told me to run and don’t look back danger a warning sign….

I replay all the events in the relationship, the fights, the aggressive behavior, and things he did to me.  Trying to find out what reasons for him being like this to me.  Wondering how I didn’t see what was happening.  I felt powerless in the relationship that I didn’t matter, and my feelings didn’t matter to my abuser to stop the fighting I had to submit to his wishes and demands.

 I also think about that day I left and what made me leave. I remember him accusing me aggressively of cheating and the threats he made terrified me that I felt someone had this much control over my life and wanted to do was harm me in every way. .  During the last abuse he was verbally attacking me and intimidating me, that’s when I realized it was him being unloyalty.   I guess the truth is I left him so he can figure out what made him happy cause it wasn’t me because how could he abuse me so cruelly in this manner day after day for years after everything I did for this person.  

But soon the blindfolds came off and really saw what was happening to me and his true colors and the snake that came out of the grass and soon it was posted shortly after I left over social media and then everyone’s family and friends saw.  From him hurting me in the relationship, I had to deal with the hurt also of betrayal and the cruelty after leaving me homeless and financially.  I had to deal with the effects of mental abuse too.  It was a horrible time in my life when I just wanted to die.   I hated myself for making a mistake thinking he would change and keep holding on for change. 

Now today He left me dealing alone with mental health issues such as PTSD and some CPTSD not to mention a broken heart and the side effects of the domestic abuse trauma.   Everything has changed in me mentally and right to the soul.  All my dreams and beliefs and everything I worked my heart out to build with him were gone, not meaning the material things but my belief in love and trusting people. Today I am scared to trust and be loved it terrifies the life out of me being so hurt and how it felt like a death.  Like someone stole my soul.    

 I keep busy and try not to think of tomorrow but living day by day, new friends have come into my life who have supported me and understand when I am sad or feel like crying and give me comfort and support, and I am soon going to counselling and group therapy in helping me deal with the scars and emotional/Mental abuse of the relationship.  I am trying to find myself and new goals and build new dreams after the impact of the relationship.  I must admit some days are not easy but getting there one step or one stone. I found that writing has also helped me through it.  Maybe my words can help another who is also going through what I am going through know you’re not alone. 

 Until my day in court before a judge to tell my story and evidence and outcome it will finally end. I never wanted this war just wanted love and a safe place.

Tuesday

Concrete Angel

YOU ARE NOT ALONE