No
one prepares me or you for navigating dating and relationships. They didn’t
include that in the high-school curriculum. It’s pretty much trial and error
and trying not to get too burned in the process.
People
always ask me where I get my ideas and inspiration from… and for the most part,
I’m writing to my younger self and experinces… fortunately, there are many
people out there who relate to her!
So here are the most life-changing
pieces of relationship advice I wish I knew sooner, or I learned in my life:
1. Choose wisely.
Your relationship success is basically
determined before you even enter the relationship. It starts with who you
choose.
I used to be the classic stereotype of
the girl who only wants the guys she can’t have or ones that abuse her and
is turned off by those desperately in love with her.
And time and time again I was left
utterly baffled as to why things never worked out for me. Why did they never
want me like I wanted them? Why did it never get past a certain point? Why did
I always feel so powerless in my relationships?
Oh right, I’m only going after emotionally
unavailable guys who are incapable of giving more than measly scraps, and I’m
taking those scraps and seeing them through rose-colored glasses and
exaggerating the bare minimum effort and turning it into some grand romantic
gesture thus deluding myself into believing the relationship is more
significant than it is, and then I’m left shattered when the inevitable happens
even though the writing was on the wall in bright red ink the entire time!
Silly me!
But seriously, choice is everything.
You can’t choose a loser and expect him to transform into a winner. Yes, you
might be the most amazing woman he has ever been privileged to know, but it
will not be enough to save him or change him or fix him or whatever it is you
hope to achieve here. You must see a situation for what it is and focus only on
the truth about who he is … and not on how sexy he is or how funny he can be or
how hot the sex is. Focus on what matters, and these things aren’t what set the
foundation for a lasting, loving relationship!
If you want a serious relationship,
choose a guy who wants the same thing. If you have certain values, choose a guy
who shares those values. If you want to start a family soon, choose a guy who
also wants that.
Love isn’t enough to conquer
incompatibility and emotional baggage. You have a choice when it comes to who
you want to be with, and that choice gives you power. Use it wisely!
2. What are you bringing
to the table?
I’m going to tell you something that
may be hard to hear even I had to learn it- but you need to ask yourself what
you’re bringing to the table here.
You want this amazing guy who is
confident and has it together and is kind and smart and funny and 6’4 with a
thick head of hair, but what are you offering him?
Like attracts like- if you are
insecure and emotionally unavailable, that is what you attract. But
wait a minute, I’m not emotionally unavailable, I want a relationship more than
anything! Well, if you’re insecure and using a relationship to fill a
void, then you are unavailable because that behavior is coming from a place of
deep down fearing you’re not good enough, and the subconscious mind is always
looking to prove itself right so you will be drawn to people who treat you like
you’re not enough.
If you want that amazing, emotionally
healthy partner, you need to be on the same wavelength. Focus more on turning
yourself into what it is you want… rather than outsourcing the job and thinking
you’ll become who you want to be when you meet the right person.
3. Stressing ruins
relationships.
Another thing I find myself saying
over and over again when presented with a relationship problem is: stop stressing!
Seriously, why do we do this to
ourselves?
We’re so worried about the
relationship that we can’t be in the relationship. I totally
get it, though. The fears are real. What if he doesn’t like me as much as I
like him? What if he isn’t serious about me? What if he’s a liar like my ex?
What if he cheats on me? What if he finds someone better?
You think hitting certain milestones
will keep the crazies away, but that doesn’t work either. Maybe you think as
soon as he calls you his girlfriend, you’ll be able to relax. Then he makes it
“official” but you worry about him having second thoughts or changing his mind.
Then you think you’ll feel better as soon as he says, “I love you,” and that
works for a little… until he goes a few days without saying it and you wonder
if he totally changed his mind. Then it’s as soon as you move in together or
get engaged .. There is always an as soon as and there is always a new thing to
stress over. Stop all of it!
It gets you nowhere. All you’re doing
is feeding your own insecurities and giving them more strength and power over
you. Also, it doesn’t feel good to be around a stressed-out person. It creates
a negative vibe that’s just off-putting and even the most emotionally clueless
man will be able to pick up on it … and that is what will stop your relationship
from progressing.
Try to relax and just be in the
moment. And when you start to worry and stress, calmly and gently remind
yourself that you will be OK no matter what. You can handle it. And if you can
handle it and you’ll be OK… then what is there to stress over?
4. You can’t win them all.
This is probably the toughest lesson
to learn, but so important for your sanity and self-esteem.
So, let’s say you’re seeing a guy and
you fall hard and fast. He is everything you’ve ever wanted; he literally
checks every box. You can’t help but get excited about the possibilities … but
then he ends things. He just doesn’t think you’re right for him, he feels like
something is missing, he thinks you’re great but now just isn’t a good time.
And you are crushed beyond belief. You mentally go back in time analyzing everything about the relationship to figure out
what you did wrong. Why weren’t you enough?
You are enough. You’re plentiful. You
just weren’t the right girl for him and that’s OK because not everyone is a
match. You make a mess of yourself when you take it personally because it
really isn’t personal. Just like I’m sure you’ve dated wonderful guys who were
crazy about you, just didn’t feel the same. It’s not that they were horribly
flawed, it just wasn’t right.
All you can do is work on being your
best self. You’ll never be perfect because that’s impossible, but you can work
on refining who you are, on tackling your insecurities, and on healing from
your old wounds and hurts. This is all you have control over.
The key to inner peace is taking 100%
responsibility for what’s under your control and relinquishing 100% responsibility for what isn’t under your control.
5. Your vibe matters more
than your looks.
Yes, looks matter. No, they don’t
matter as much as you think.
Your vibe determines so much more when
it comes to how people respond to you and how much success you have in your
relationships. And the good news is your vibe is totally under your control!
It’s about managing your mood and not
letting yourself be overcome by anxious thoughts and negativity. It may feel
like you have no control, but that’s not the case. You can control the thoughts
you allow to enter your mind and your thoughts control how you feel.
If you engage with negative thoughts,
they will keep coming at you, putting you in an anxious and worried state. If you
can keep those thoughts away and only allow positive thoughts to penetrate,
your entire life will change, not to mention your relationships.
One of the most important things to
understand about men when it comes to relationships is that men move toward
what feels good. When it feels good to be around you, he wants to be around
you. That’s really all it takes to get a man to commit and invest in you and
the relationship.
6. Good relationships
don’t always feel good.
Here’s the thing that no one really tells
you: good relationships don’t always feel all that good…but it’s not for the
same reason bad relationships don’t feel good.
Bad relationships are the ones filled with all the drama. The highs are higher,
and the lows are lower. When I say “bad relationship,” I mean everything from a toxic, codependent situation, to a relationship with a man who
won’t commit in a significant way, to a match that is simply incompatible.
But in a good relationship…a
relationship where you’re on the same page, when you aren’t waiting anxiously
for the next text, a relationship where wondering if he likes you just seems
ridiculous because you know exactly how he feels…well, those are the
relationships that bring you face to face with who you truly are.
Sometimes they will bring out the best
in you because we all have inherent goodness within us. And sometimes they will
bring out the worst in you because a lot of us have been burned or are holding
on to traumas from the past that we didn’t even realize were still buried
within us.
Sometimes there will be nothing wrong
in the relationship but you will feel sad or anxious or upset. You won’t be
able to blame this on the fact that he didn’t call or text or that you’re not
his girlfriend or he hasn’t said “I love you” because he never leaves you
hanging… he was proud to call you his girlfriend…he adores you and you know he
does. The feelings aren’t coming from him, they’re coming from you. If you’ve
been hurt in the past, this feeling of unease is your deep-seated trust issues.
If you can’t seem to trust that he’ll be there for you, then outcome the fears
of abandonment.
There’s this idea that in the right
relationship, everything will just be perfect. He’ll be the other half of your
soul, you’ll reach a level of happiness you never knew existed, and you’ll feel
secure and comfortable and confident. A good relationship can give you these
things for sure, but not on its own. It must start from within. If you don’t
already feel good, if you still have issues to work through, if you have a void
within, you will never fully be able to trust him, you will never truly feel
“good enough.” No matter how many sweet things he says or does, you will never
be able to give and receive love freely.
When we’re single, we’re often unaware of the work that needs
to be done because those parts of us that are hurt and need to be healed don’t
get accessed. Or maybe we do know but think the right guy will make it all
better. Love forces you to face yourself. Love brings up all that is unloved
within us. And you can’t hide who you are when you are in a good, loving
relationship. Instead, you are forced to face it and deal with it. Your partner
will always reflect who you really are (and vice versa). And everything that happens
will be much more emotionally significant.
Love isn’t meant to make you happy;
it’s meant to make you grow.
Concrete Angel
You are not alone.
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