Dating a high-value and high-quality man is drastically different
from dating a narcissist (and narcissists can be male or female). However, it can be hard to tell the
difference between a narcissistic and high-quality man when narcissists often
masquerade as high-value men initially, only to reveal themselves to be
manipulators later. Here are the key distinctions you should look out for if
you want to know if he’s a high-value man.
They’re genuinely generous
and attentive long-term – and there isn’t an agenda behind their kindness.
A high-value man respects all women
from an authentic place of kindness and compassion. He remains consistently
attentive to and affectionate with the woman he’s dating or in a relationship
with. He is naturally generous with his time, effort, and romantic gestures – and doesn’t do
anything from a place of, “I need something back in return.” A narcissist uses
excessive attention and affection known as “love bombing” to hook his dating partners initially,
only to later devalue and disrespect them to keep them under his control. A
narcissist’s empty romantic displays are orchestrated to indebt you to them and
instill a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt. Their nice façade is always
used to exploit others for a specific agenda.
They don’t blow hot and
cold because they’re not looking to manipulate you. Unlike a narcissist who
continually tests your boundaries, they make sure not to do anything to
jeopardize the relationship at any point.
High-value men won’t display the
Jekyll-Hyde behaviors like narcissists do. If they are romantically interested,
they will show that interest persistently and in healthy ways. The difference
with a high-value man is that if he’s not interested in a woman for a
relationship, he won’t pursue her at all. He won’t “use” her for an ego boost,
sex, or another secondary gain. He’s not looking to waste anyone’s time, so he
won’t lead on anyone, including himself. Unlike a narcissist who blows hot and
cold to get you addicted and attached to them through intermittent reinforcement, or to get you working hard for his
approval, you won’t have to work hard for the high-value man’s appreciation. He
won’t keep you guessing in the first place.
They don’t try to make you
jealous. They know your worth and your irreplaceability and go out of their way
to reassure you they value you in both their actions and words.
We know from research that narcissists create love triangles and provoke jealousy on
purpose. High-value men do not engage in these ridiculous tactics –
they are secure and confident in themselves, so they don’t seek outside
validation from other women outside of their relationship. They have the
empathy to know what inappropriate behavior and act is accordingly – even when
“no one is watching.” That’s because their actions stem from their good
character, whereas a narcissist operates from manipulation, ego, and a need for
power and control. High-value men on the other hand lack a wandering eye and
show the utmost respect for their partners and cherish them – not just during
the honeymoon stage of the relationship, but through every stage of
the relationship. High-value and high-quality men recognize a woman’s
unique qualities and traits and go out of their way to make sure you know how
important they are to them long-term. They address your concerns and
insecurities with compassion and go out of their way to reassure you that you
are the only woman they prioritize. Their words match their actions, and they
are loyal and act from integrity.
They use social media
constructively and not in shady ways.
High-value men don’t have time or
energy to spend on social media in frivolous ways unless it adds in some way to
their businesses. Unlike narcissistic men who are constantly hitting the like
and follow button on inappropriate or shady accounts to make their partners
jealous or sliding into the DMs of other parties in hopes of gaining
validation, high-value men make sure others know they are already partnered and
fulfilled if they use social media at all. They have the same
boundaries on social media as they do in real life and do not do things that
would ever spark a partner’s insecurity, confusion, or suspicion. They
have a healthy relationship with social media in that they know how to
celebrate the happiness of their romantic relationships, highlight, and give
praise to their partners while still maintaining some decorum and privacy yet
not excessively exploiting their relationships as status symbols. They will
showcase the woman they’re dating consistently with healthy pride.
They validate your
emotions, whereas narcissists pathologize them.
High-value men are emotionally
balanced and stable. They have emotional control and are sensitive to the needs
and rights of others. This is what makes them excellent listeners and
communicators. A narcissistic man will call you “crazy” the minute you hold him accountable, or gaslight you into believing you’re asking for too much if
you expect basic respect. A high-value man treats you with respect as their
default. Even if they don’t agree with you all the time, they will still
validate your emotions and understand where you are coming from.
They don’t keep in close
touch with exes or have suspicious friends you would worry about.
Narcissists
often keep a harem of people who they can use for attention and ego
strokes. They also use these people against you and pit people against each
other to make them jealous. When you call them out, you’re likely to be labeled
as controlling. The high-value man is just as selective about his friendships
as he is about relationships. He won’t have any suspicious female friends that
raise red flags or exes that he’s holding onto, or express attraction to people
he’s not dating. In fact, he will usually not pursue close contact with women
who aren’t his relationship partners or family members just out of respect
alone. The high-value man knows that cheating can be both physical and
emotional: he makes sure he doesn’t even enter boundary-crossing behavior in
either form of betrayal. He does this on his own and doesn’t need to be told.
But even if you do express any concerns, he will take your concerns seriously.
Narcissists on the other hand will mock your concerns and punish you for
expressing them at all.
High-value men respect
your boundaries; narcissists learn your boundaries in order to violate them.
A high-value man will respect your
boundaries and anticipate what might make you upset to prevent boundary
violations from happening in the first place. But unlike narcissists who may
use that information against you to violate your boundaries, high-value men go
out of their way to ensure you’re comfortable. The narcissist will weaponize
any insecurities and traumas you tell them. The high-value man will soothe your
insecurities and be extra sensitive to what you’ve experienced. To test this
ahead of time, drop a red herring: disclose a small insecurity and see if a
dating partner uses it against you. The earlier a narcissist shows his true
colors, the better.
High-value men can
disagree with you and hold you gently accountable without being demeaning.
High-value men have a healthy
relationship with your boundaries as well as their own. That means they won’t
tolerate disrespectful behavior from others, but they also won’t engage in
disrespect when calling you out. High-value men can disagree with you and have
constructive conversations without escalation. Unlike a narcissist who may rage
and escalate into violence or verbal and emotional abuse, a high-value man knows how to hold his own in
an argument. He’ll hold you accountable or disagree with you without resorting
to insults, sarcasm, condescension, or contempt. Narcissists seek out chaos and crazymaking arguments; high-value men avoid them
entirely.
High-value men often
self-reflect and are introspective.
In a world that often shifts blame
onto a woman’s emotional reactions rather than what she is reacting to,
the high-value man is refreshing in that he often looks within to ensure he is
behaving in alignment with his core values and standards for himself. Just like
any other human, a high-value man can have some flaws or shortcomings – the
difference is that he actively works toward improving himself in every facet of
his life. Unlike the narcissistic man who avoids accountability at all costs
and prefers to lash out at the people who they mistreat, the high-value man
holds himself accountable and engages in self-corrective behaviors to make sure
he stays on the right track. Yet even so, the high-value man often has far less
to be held accountable for in the first place, because they don’t engage in the
types of transgressions narcissists do.
High-value men are stable
in all aspects of their lives.
High-value men are financially and
emotionally stable – they never expect you to “build” them up as a person. They
take responsibility for their own lives. They won’t use your resources for
their own gain (in fact, some would feel ashamed of doing so because it goes
against their values). They have their own and remain independent. They are in
control of their careers, their dreams, and their lives. Much like the alpha woman, they take charge of the demands of daily
life with maturity and healthy positivity. They display a healthy form of
masculinity and protectiveness without going overboard.
High-value men are “woke”
to the brutalities women face but in an authentic way.
High-value men are well aware of the
inequalities women face in the world and do not compare or falsely equate their
experiences to yours. Unlike narcissists, they do not excessively play the
victim in a world that already caters to them. They recognize their male
privilege but not in a fake “nice guy” way of donning a faux feminist persona
just so they can exploit your resources. Instead, high-value men often exhibit
a genuine “provider” mentality and understand that women have a hard enough
time living in a patriarchal society as it is. The last thing they want to do
is burden someone who is already oppressed with more burdens. They truly
respect women as multifaceted beings on a fundamental level and support a
woman’s goals and career – unlike narcissists who are envious and seek to
control women. They admire her independence. However, they still want to give
to her and impress her. Unlike a narcissist who is only interested in getting
his needs met and misusing “feminism” to ensure he alone benefits, the
high-value man is a real feminist who recognizes that
we do not yet live in an equal world. As a result, high-value men strive to be
a safe place for the women they love.
If you have been in a relationship
with a narcissist, whether male or female, you’re not alone and help is out
there. You may benefit from processing your traumas with a validating mental health
professional. You deserve support and healing.
You are not alone
Concrete Angel
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