What Is Love, and What Isn't?

ONCE YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, YOU CAN RECOGNIZE AND PURSUE IT.

Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we cannot command, demand, or take away love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don't fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love.

Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself. You can choose to surrender to love or not, but in the end, love strikes like lightning: unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find yourself loving people you don't like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, addenda, or codes. Like the sun, love radiates independently of our fears and desires.

Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it — not for any amount of money. Love cannot be imprisoned, nor can it be legislated. Love is not a substance, not a commodity, not even a marketable power source. Love has no territory, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy output.

One can buy sex partners and even marriage/common law partners. Marriage / Common law is a matter of law, for rules and courts, and property rights. In the past, the marriage/ common law price, or dowry, and in the present, alimony and the pre-nuptial agreement, make it clear that marriage/ common law is all about contracts. But as we all know, marriages/common law, whether arranged or not, may have little to do with love.

Sexual stimulation and gratification, whether by way of fingers, mouths, objects, Fantasy play, whips and chains, or just plain intercourse, can certainly be bought and sold, not to mention used to sell other things. Whether sex should be for sale is another question entirely, but love itself cannot be sold.

One can buy loyalty, companionship, attention, and perhaps even compassion, but love itself cannot be bought. An orgasms can be bought, but love cannot. It comes, or not, by grace, of its own will and in its own timing, subject to no human's planning.

Love cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment. Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for bait and switch, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never be delivered if it doesn't spring freely from the heart.

This doesn't mean that love allows destructive and abusive behaviors to go unchecked. Love speaks out for justice and protests when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of hurting oneself or others. Love allows room for anger, grief, or pain to be expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withhold itself if it doesn't get what it wants. Love does not say, directly or indirectly, "If you are a bad boy, Mommy won't love you anymore." Love does not say, "Daddy's little girl doesn't do that." Love does not say, "If you want to be loved, you must be nice," or "Do what I want," or "Never love anyone else," or "Promise you'll never leave me."

Love cares what becomes of you because love knows that we are all interconnected. Love is inherently compassionate and empathic. Love knows that the "other" is also oneself. This is the true nature of love and love itself cannot be manipulated or restrained. Love honors the sovereignty of each soul.

Love is its own law.

Concrete Angel.

Reference: www.psychologytoday.com

 

SPEND TIME WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE

Negativity and positivity have been shown to be contagious. Consider the people with whom you’re spending time. Have you noticed how someone in a bad mood can bring down almost everyone in a room? A positive person has the opposite effect on others.

Being around positive people has been shown to improve self-esteem and increase your chances of reaching goals. Surround yourself with people who will lift you up and help you see the bright side.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE CONCRETE ANGELS

 

Practice gratitude

Practicing gratitude has been shown to reduce stress, improve self-esteem, and foster resilience even in very difficult times. Think of people, moments, or things that bring you some kind of comfort or happiness and try to express your gratitude at least once a day. This can be thanking a co-worker for helping with a project, a loved one for washing the dishes, or your dog for the unconditional love they give you.

 

Verbal Abuse vs. Emotional Abuse

The terms "verbal abuse" and "emotional abuse" are often used interchangeably to describe the same type of abuse. However, even if the two are similar, there are distinct characteristics of each one.

Verbal Abuse

• Using language to hurt people
• Speaking aggressively or violently
• Giving the silent treatment
• Verbally discounting a person’s feelings or thoughts
• Concealing thoughts or feelings and refusing to engage in healthy conversations.
• Being habitually argumentative
• Denying a person’s feelings and their right to feel them
•  

Emotional Abuse

• Using hurtful tactics to emotionally diminish a person.
• Criticizing or manipulating a person into thinking they deserve the abuse they're receiving.
• Humiliating a person in public to make them feel shame or embarrassment.
• Using mind games to control a victim's behaviors, thoughts, or feelings.
• Isolating someone so they feel alone.
• Denying, justifying, or making excuses for unacceptable behaviors

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is a form of mental abuse that is designed to undermine a person and how they feel about themselves. Abusers also use this type of abuse to help maintain a level of control or power over the person being abused.

Verbal abuse occurs in many relationships, both personal and professional.

In a Relationship

Domestic verbal abuse occurs when one partner verbally abuses their partner to gain control over them or the relationship. Verbal assaults such as name-calling or hurling insults are a form of verbal abuse.

Verbal and emotional abuse are incredibly common in the world, and studies have shown that these types of nonphysical abuse are the most common forms of abuse in romantic relationships.¹  

Verbal abuse in a romantic relationship can severely impact a person’s mental health. Because of this, a person who is constantly verbally abused by their partner may experience:

• Anxiety and depression
• Changes in mood
• Chronic stress
• A lowered self-esteem⁶
• Feelings of guilt or shame stemming from the abuse
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Isolation and withdrawal from their friends and family
• Substance abuse

Because of these changes, every aspect of a person’s life, including their work, schooling, personal relationships, and how they take care of themselves, can all be negatively impacted.

Domestic Abuse Hotline

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse from an intimate partner, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) for assistance. If the situation is an emergency and you are in immediate danger, call 911.

From a Parent

Verbal abuse from a parent is common and is a form of emotional maltreatment. Like other forms of verbal abuse, it is underlined by a need for control.

When a child is verbally abused by one of their parents, their brain development is affected. Research has shown that changes in the white matter pathways of the brain, which is the area of the brain that helps send messages, occur when children are subjected to verbal abuse.

One study looked at whether verbal affection during childhood from the parent who was verbally abusive or the other parent could help to mitigate the effect of verbal abuse. It found that no matter how much verbal affection the child received, the effects of verbal abuse were still present.

The same study showed that verbal abuse during childhood could cause the same extent of psychological damage as witnessing domestic violence and being sexually abused.

Some long-term consequences of childhood verbal abuse are:

• Impaired social skills
• Impaired cognitive development
• Impaired emotional development
• Feelings of helplessness, aggression, and neuroticism (long-term tendency to be anxious or negative)
• Inability or unwillingness to connect with others
• Poor school performance
• An increased risk for getting involved in illegal activity later on in life
• Low self-esteem
• Psychiatric disorders, such as anxiety, PTSD, and depression
• Substance abuse issues later in life
• Eating disorder
• Suicidal or self-injury behaviors in adulthood
• Poor physical health in adulthood
• Increased risk of heart disease
• An inability to trust others in adulthood

More than 50% of children who are abused as children also experience abuse in adulthood.¹⁰

Signs a Child Is Being Verbally Abused at Home

It can be difficult to tell if a child is being verbally abused at home, but common signs include: 

• Self-destructive behaviors
• Antisocial behaviors 
• A negative self-image voiced by saying things such as, “I’m stupid” or “No one likes me.”

·       Signs

·       It can be hard to identify verbal abuse. One reason for this is that some people may have a higher tolerance threshold for this type of abuse. They don’t see being called stupid, for instance, as being that big of a deal, while most people would.

·       Another is because the abuser may have used manipulation tactics to make the person being abused feel like they are at fault for the abusive treatment. Some signs that you’re being verbally abused include:

·       1) Name-Calling

·       Being called a name is a form of verbal abuse. Even if they are not screaming in your face or if they are using a playful tone, name-calling is designed to make you feel bad about yourself. An example of this could be when a parent calls their child stupid after bringing home a poorly graded report card.

·       2) Gaslighting

·       When a person goes out of their way to make you seem or feel crazy, they are gaslighting you. An example of this is when you make plans with your partner to meet at a certain time. They show up three hours late, and an argument ensues.

·       During the argument, they deny that you set the agreed-upon time. By the time the argument ends, you may believe that you were mistaken and you somehow forgot the right time to meet.

·       Gaslighting is especially harmful because it can lead the abused person to feel as though they can’t trust their own thoughts or judgments.¹²

·       3) Yelling or Screaming

·       When someone raises their voice to you, it is a form of verbal abuse designed to make you feel intimidated or scared of what might happen next. The abuser’s main goal is to control you into submitting to what they want.

·       4) Criticizing

·       Criticism can come in many forms. Someone may be direct and blunt with their criticism, such as by saying things like, “Why are you so lazy?”

·       Other times, criticism can come in the form of a joke. Typically abusers will say something hurtful and try to disguise it as a joke so they can get away with making you feel vulnerable or bad about certain aspects of yourself.

·       An example of this type of criticism is if an abuser takes an insecurity of yours and changes it into a nickname. They say that it’s a term of endearment, but it is verbal abuse.

·       5) Shame or Humiliation

·       When an abuser wants to make you feel bad about yourself in a way that controls you, they will privately or publicly shame or humiliate you. Their main goal is to make you feel bad or ashamed about yourself, the way you look, your intelligence, or any other characteristic you have.

·       6) Threats 

Any type of threat is verbal abuse. If someone threatens you, what they’re really saying is that they want to control and manipulate you and that is how they are going to go about it. Threats are designed to invoke fear in the person being abused so that they will submit to their abuser’s demands.

Verbal abuse can be hard to spot, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t as damaging as other forms of abuse. It can cause a person to develop psychiatric and emotional disorders and a decreased level of overall health.

Knowing the signs of verbal abuse can help you recognize them in your personal or professional relationships. It can also help you get the help you need, whether you are being abused or are acting in an abusive manner.

 YOU ARE NOT ALONE CONCRETE ANGEL

Reference: https://www.verywellhealth.com/

 Challenging situations and obstacles are a part of life. When you’re faced with one, focus on the good things no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they seem. If you look for it, you can always find the proverbial silver lining in every cloud — even if it’s not immediately obvious.

HOW TO REBUILD YOUR LIFE AND THRIVE AFTER LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

The most confusing thing about domestic violence is the fact that we find ourselves loving people who hurt us. This so often stems from early childhood experiences. Oftentimes, we can’t even see how destructive our relationships are until it’s too late. Our caretakers, who were supposed to show us love and support, used power, control and violence to raise us. This leaves us traumatized, and unless we do deep healing work, attracting relationships into our lives that mirror our abusive relationships from childhood.

Domestic violence is rarely understood by someone unless they have experienced it. Police, courts and support workers can help you in the early stages when seeking safety and advice, but they do not understand the long-term emotional, physical and financial impacts of domestic violence and how to completely heal from it.

Victims of domestic violence often experience PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, similar to soldiers returning from war. But unlike soldiers, our battle lasts for decades and can leave us in a constant state of fight-or-flight, our health impacted by adrenal fatigue and burnout and emotional distress dealing with our children who continue to visit the abusive former partner.

Broadly speaking, abuse is defined as the cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal or to treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. But in terms of “cruelty,” I have found this to be very subjective and dependent upon the individual. There are also several types of abuse including: physical, emotional, financial, sexual, verbal, spiritual and many more.

Once you are out of the abusive situation, here are some ways to make sure you are on the road to recovery.

ABUSE IS ALL ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL

Abuse is nothing more than one person trying to have power and control over another. By removing a person’s free will, autonomy and authenticity, abusers feel powerful. What people who have experienced abuse have to remember is this:

Abuse is only possible if one person is disempowered. If you are disempowered, you have low self-esteem, low self-worth and do not value yourself. Of course this does not apply to every situation especially with vulnerable victims (child abuse, rape, random acts of violence), but in relationship abuse this is usually the case.

The way to prevent a person from abusing you is to become empowered. As within, so without. If you are powerful on the inside – you have high self-esteem, high self-worth and value yourself – you will not attract people or partners who abuse you. Abusers will only target people with low self-worth and low-self esteem – and especially those with a high degree of empathy and compassion. Abusers themselves do not have high self-esteem or worth – this is why they abuse. Because they lack the power on the inside, they exert power and control over others to avoid feeling powerlessness. On the inside, they are unloved children, rejected by their parents who never felt like they had power and control in their own lives but they lack true empathy and compassion.

When children experience abuse, it seems to affect them in one of two ways: they become abusers, or they become the continual victims of abusers – or both.

SAFETY

Your safety and the safety of your children is the first consideration. When dealing with domestic violence and abuse it is always a good idea to have third parties involved. You need witnesses. Do not put yourself in situations without adult witnesses. Witnesses can keep you safe and provide evidence in court and most abusers will behave with other people present. They prefer to abuse you in private.

Oftentimes, victims of domestic violence are charged for defending themselves instead of the actual perpetrator for the source of abuse. Make sure you are safe and make sure you have no contact with the abuser. Any contact should be in writing or through contact centers if you have children. Say no, apply for a domestic violence order/restraining order and do not contact the other party for any reason. Keep your location private and totally off limits. You need to create a safe haven for you and your children.

Do not give the abuser your address, change your locks, change your phone number if necessary (or block them from contacting you via phone or text) and update all passwords to banking, email and other applications. If you do need to gather evidence for court, use your old phone as the way to collect proof meanwhile purchase a new phone to use going forward.

Never excuse abusive behavior. If you hear yourself staying things like, “He’s just stressed. He’ll calm down and then it will be ok.” Abuse is never ok no matter how stressed the other person is at any time.

Remember, abuse usually follows a pattern or cycle: the tension builds, there is conflict and then there is a calm (usually this is when the abuser apologizes and promises to never do it again). Do not get caught in this cycle or believe that the abuser will stop abusing. Get out and stay away.

BOUNDARIES

Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. No contact with an abusive partner is the first step in establishing solid boundaries.

Boundaries are what does and does not work for you. If you have strong boundaries, people will know how to treat you. Most likely you grew up in a household that did not show you how to establish boundaries. You had no idea of what was or what wasn’t appropriate behavior. You were probably enmeshed with your parents and then become enmeshed with your partners. Where you stop and they begin can be difficult to discern. Learning how to establish boundaries is the number one way to keep your former partner, and future partners, from taking advantage of or hurting you. And remember, you cannot control your former partner. The only person you can control is yourself.

Boundaries are what you teach children. Boundaries are what you teach abusive adults (who are basically just raging children on the inside). No contact with an abusive partner is almost always necessary and learning how not to react to their bait and respond in a calm, business-like manner will teach them that you are no longer at their mercy. If you cannot be manipulated and controlled, they will eventually give up and find someone else to abuse.

But as soon as you put up boundaries the abuser will test to see how strong they really are.

Here are some guidelines for setting boundaries.

• refuse to play the victim – you need to focus on empowerment.
• determine your values: how do you want people to treat you
• learn to look after yourself first
• learn to accept disappointment – you cannot make everyone happy, only yourself.
• be consistent with your boundaries – abusers will constantly test them.

SAYING NO

Many victims of abuse were trained as small children to become people-pleasers, therefore, we find it difficult to say no to people and situations that are not in our best interest. Learning how to say no and stand up for yourself – without feeling shame or guilt – is important for your recovery. You need to put yourself first no matter what.

Learn to say no and hold your boundaries. Do not let abusive or toxic people manipulate or control you.

CO-DEPENDENCY

Co-dependency is often present in violent and abusive relationships. Most people trauma bond (find partners that match their trauma from childhood) and then two people with dysfunctional personality traits become worse together.

Co-dependency is a form of relationship/love addiction – the partnership is based on control, obsessive nurturing and often occurs when one partner is chemically dependent, or engaging in undesirable behaviors, such as narcissism. No matter how bad they hurt you, you keep going back hoping that you can help or heal them and make it all better. Enmeshment happens when clear boundaries about where you start and where your partner ends are not clearly defined.

There are CODA (Co-dependent Anonymous) groups around the world to help you recover from relationship addiction. Like any addiction, a 12-step program can be helpful. The goal to overcoming co-dependency is to stop playing the victim. Co-dependency is an addiction to victimization. STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM.

SELF-CARE AND SELF-LOVE

One of the reasons we find ourselves in relationships that harm us is because of our exposure to abuse in childhood. Our subconscious programming from ages 0 – 14 determines how we manifest relationships, jobs, and everything else in life unless we consciously clear the experiences, change our beliefs, and re-write the programs. If we have an abusive person in our life that means, we also have an abusive person inside of us (our mothers and fathers internalized and writing the script).

After experiencing domestic violence, we are also physically and mentally suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). If we want to create a better life, we must learn to put ourselves first, care for ourselves, love ourselves, clear co-dependency by becoming responsible and independent, and heal the trauma from the abuse we have suffered during our lifetime.

If we want to change our outer reality, first we must change our inner reality. Learning how to slow down and get in touch with our body is a good way to begin the process. Exercise, get massages, go for a walk, meditate – do anything to get into your body and slow down. Treat yourself like a loving parent would care for their child.

• Attend CODA (co-dependents anonymous or other 12-step programs)
• Work on clearing trauma and easing fight-or-flight

INVEST IN YOURSELF

Learn new skills, empower yourself, and build a community around you that supports your healing and thriving. Find support for your children through counsellors and positive role models and be the best parent you can be.

Always play the long game – make the abuser look like the abuser they are by becoming your best self. By investing in yourself, you are telling the universe you are worthy of a good life, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. The more you invest in yourself, the better your life will become.

Lastly, as a victim you need to accept the situation, take responsibility for it, actively heal yourself, create a support network and remove toxic people from your life. Continuing to be a victim and blame the abuser does not work. You must take actionable steps to free yourself from the pattern of abuse.

Toxic people include energy vampires, narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths (lack empathy, promote selfishness, love violence), negative Nellies and chaos addicts – do not play their game. Anyone who does not uplift you and bring good things into your life needs to go.

It’s also a good idea to cut energetic cords. Often, even after we physically leave an abuser, we are still energetically linked to them. By removing the energy cord that binds you to another person you will no longer feed energy to them.

HOW TO BEGIN YOUR HEALING

• Removing shame & guilt – take inventory of your shadow (the part of yourself where you feel the most guilt and shame) and begin investigating and clearing all childhood abuse and trauma. Write down your story and then let it go. It’s time to write the next chapters of your life from a point of personal power.
• Avoid trauma bonding and co-dependent patterns in your next relationship and consciously work on yourself and surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. Do not repeat abusive patterns and if you find yourself attracting abusive people into your life, you need to further address childhood wounding.
• If you’ve decided to stop the abusive patterns in your life this will also involve clearing family and generational trauma. It all ends with you. Abuse is like a parasite that travels through the DNA down the family genetic lines. Future generations will grow up happy and healthy thanks to you.

Please remember that domestic violence is a symptom of an abusive society. The root cause of domestic violence is the imbalance we have created as a society and within ourselves. The “system” isn’t going to help us – lawyers, police and courts feed off our violence and the abusive system only grows in strength from our fighting. You can use the ‘system’ as a tool, but it will not help you heal. You are not going to find a solution or a savior within the system. The only way to stop violence is with love – to love yourself fiercely and to make a commitment to change and never allow this in your life again. We are not victims – we will get stronger and wiser and kinder and gentler and as we change, so does the world. By saving ourselves, we change the way society functions.

https://bigbeautifulsky.com/healing-after-domestic-violence/