“In addition to reaching out for help, you will also need to reach within yourself. Your biggest ally will be your emotions. Through them, you will learn more about what really happened to you, how the abuse affected you, and what you need to do in order to heal. Your emotions will enable you to reclaim the self you long ago hid away.”

 

“I have the power to change my physical and emotional experience.” ― Patricia Dsouza

 

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” — Brené Brown

 

Please know that you can get out and it will not always be an easy road, and it will be lonely at times. But it only gets better, life is too beautiful to live it trapped and abused and hiding under the shame of it all.

 

 

 It is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.

 

Stages of Recovery After Trauma

Every survivor’s journey to healing is different and shouldn’t be rushed

For those who have lived through the trauma of an abusive or violent partner, they may expect an instant sense of relief once they’ve escaped, a calming peace after they shut the door on that chapter of their lives.

Instead, what they can experience is sometimes completely different. Instead of tranquility, they may feel anxious. Instead of joy, they may feel guilt. 

Or, they may feel nothing at all. This is normal. They are emotions that come with the stages of recovery after trauma. 

“Trauma recovery looks different for everyone sometimes, survivors feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are ‘failing’ at recovery because they read books and can’t relate to how others have coped.

 

The Three Stages Might Look Like This

 

Phase One: Safety and Stabilization. Trauma survivors tend to feel unsafe in their bodies and in relationships with others. They may struggle with regulating their everyday emotions, which they may not associate directly with the trauma. It may take months or even years to regain a sense of safety. Top of Form

 

Bottom of Form

Phase Two: Remembrance and Mourning. This is when survivors may begin to process the trauma, assigning words and emotions to it to help make meaning of it. This process is best undertaken with a trained counselor or therapist. It’s important to mourn the losses associated with the trauma and give oneself space to grieve and express emotions. 

 

 Phase Three: Reconnection and Integration. Here, survivors recognize the impact of the victimization they experienced, yet begin to believe that trauma is no longer a defining principle in their life. They begin to redefine themselves in the context of meaningful relationships, create a new sense of self and create a new future. In some instances, they may find a mission through which they can heal and grow, such as mentoring or becoming an advocate for others. 

If Self-Blame Is One of Your Stages domestic violence survivors feel emotionally beaten down, with overwhelming amounts of self-blame and confusion about who is “at fault” in the relationship. 

I think frustration more accurately describes what they are feeling, most depressed survivor’s, there is a deep sense of resignation—‘This is my life,’ ‘I don’t know how I ended up here but I did,’ etc.” 

Survivors are often conditioned to be passive by their abusers—showing anger could literally put their life at risk. So, to have anger over what happened isn’t a natural emotion for many survivors. Reclaiming their voice and learning how to not be afraid of their emotions is a significant part of her work with survivors.

Remember, Recovery Takes Time

Unfortunately, healing from trauma—no matter if the abuse lasted a few months or a few decades—is not an overnight process. In fact, "getting over it" may never be a part of a survivor's recovery. Abuse can have a lifelong impact, but the severity of its effects can be lessened by getting help. 

“I have heard many, many survivors say I just want to be over this and move on as fast as possible.  But recovery just doesn’t work that way.

 

If a survivor tries to rush the recovery process and not really “do the work” so to speak, they may end up continuing to deal with issues from the—anxiety, depression, and an increased risk of being a target for an abuser again, among them. There can be a lot of self-judgment about how long the process of recovery takes, It depends on survivor’s unique experience. 

What’s amazing to witness is that ultimately, everyone truly does have what they need inside of them to recover, it just may take a bit of help to get there.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Concrete Angel Survivor

REFERENCE: www.domesticshelters.org

 

Survivors will find a way to move forward after domestic violence.

It might seem impossible right now, survivors, given where you are, but one day it’s entirely probable that you’ll be able to look back on the abuse you endured as just another chapter of your story, and not the entire book.

This is called closure. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten what happened—that’s not realistic—and it doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven your abuser. It also doesn’t mean you’ve healed completely and have no residual effects from the abuse.

What closure means to many survivors of intimate partner abuse is that they’re moving on. They’re starting anew. They’re walking themselves, scars and all, into a safer and healthier future.

This future may or may not include a new relationship. Many survivors like to take time after leaving an abusive partner to make sure they can make safe, healthy decisions about the next partner that comes their way.

To Find Closure.

“My closure came from talking with other women who had been through similar things and seeing the kind of strength that can come out of it … and learning how abusers use all their different tactics. It made me go from victim to survivor.”

“I hate thinking ‘woe is me’ so much. I’m not getting closure and I just want to help other people.”

Be it altruism, time, space or just some tough love self-talk, closure is a personal journey that can look different for every survivor. That’s why we asked our survivor or followers to share with us what worked for them after abuse.

I want to be an advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves. My journal became a book. I allowed myself the painful process of healing and learning the importance of boundaries in every part of my life, which is hard because I’m naturally a helper to others. Allowing myself to see I was just as important as anyone I would be happy to help was key to me stepping away from that part of life and moving forward. Counseling, good friends and family reminding me I deserved better, and time has helped me. Cutting the ties and connections to all those who I have learned to realize were toxic relationships and cutting off all communication with them.

Deleting all contact information and pulling away contact from ‘his’ friends that became your friends. Unfortunately, all ties to the abuser need to be cut or moving on is very difficult.

Five Tips for Moving Forward

Looking for closure for yourself? Start with these five tips from The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1. Cut off all contact with your abusive ex-partner. If you need to get something off your chest, write it in a letter, but don’t send it.
2. Surround yourself with support. Consider joining a support group, talking to a counselor or reaching out to a domestic violence advocate who will listen.
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Remember that you will get better with time. You don’t need to rush the healing Process.

CONCRETE ANGEL - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Reference: www.domesticshelters.org