Feeling Fear Yet Choosing to Act

"Being terrified but going ahead and doing what must be done—that's courage.—Piers Anthony

Courage is something that everybody wants—an attribute of good character that makes us worthy of respect. From the Bible to fairy tales, ancient myths to Hollywood movies, our culture is rich with exemplary tales of bravery and self-sacrifice for the greater good. From the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz who finds the courage to face the witch, to David battling Goliath in the Bible, to Star Wars and Harry Potter, children are raised on a diet of heroic and inspirational tales.

Yet courage is not just physical bravery. History books tell colorful tales of social activists, such as Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela, who chose to speak out against injustice at great personal risk. Entrepreneurs such as Steve Jobs and Walt Disney, who took financial risks to follow their dreams and innovate, are like modern-day knights, exemplifying the rewards and public accolades that courage can bring.

If you’re struggling because you have yet to find the courage to leave an emotionally abusive partner, the important thing you need to know is this; don’t let it get you down.  The courage you need will come.  Maybe when you least expect it.

I was someone who believed that she alone would never find the courage to leave emotionally abusive partner for many reasons.

Before I found the courage to leave my emotionally abusive partner, I spent years vainly hoping to find courage, and failing dismally. Then the gaslighting would start and I would stay.  I spent long years putting up with endless hurt, verbal abuse and rejection, all the while I was despising and berating myself for my lack of courage to stand up and say enough– as all emotionally abused women do.

My partner was well aware of my lack of courage. That lack of courage was one more thing he used to humiliate me or even threaten me I be on welfare or on street with nothing no one loved me.  Placing fear on me. In retrospect, I had a strong suspicion that he enjoyed seeing how far he could push me. It made him feel powerful and superior not to mention in control.  No matter how many times I say I am not your enemy. Those were, without a doubt, the unhappiest years of my life. I tolerated so much misery from this roller coaster relationship from him.  Because, as we all know we pay a high price.  It is a whole lot easier to get into an abusive relationship than it is to get out of it I learned.

My partner and I met at a time when I was struggling with health from brain surgery and my world changed the fast life ended and goals changed. My relationship with my family of origin was breaking down. I lost my grandfather and grandmother.  I was devastated also and felt alone and wanted someone in my life to grow old with and build dreams. I thought time I settle down with an amazing man not that i expected perfect but that we would work as a team and build new dreams together.  Well, he came along (in a plum-colored Peugeot) and rescued me.  At the time, a rescuer seemed just what the doctor ordered. Told me visions of us and made me happy not in material ways but support and let's face it prince charming.  How could you not fall for them.  

This is why rescue sucks

Plum Peugeot man wasn’t the most gallant rescuer in the history of the world, so I was prepared to overlook a certain lack of gallantry. He’d never have cut it as a Disney prince but, hey, right place, right time…)  I was blind enough to forgive myself for not knowing that rescue comes at a very high price.

I truly did not know any better. I had come from one of those (narcissistic) families where emotional resilience and self-worth were actively discouraged. So I thought this was normal in a relationship.

Since I believed my mother often called me “helpless and hopeless” – I did the classic thing of running away from problems.  I did everything I possibly could to escape having to face the difficulties that I did not feel equal to facing. How was I to know that major life problem deferred is a problem that just keeps on growing?

Rescue appeals to the little girl in most women (young or old).  We think that it is both terribly romantic and the ultimate guarantee of the Happily Ever After. We learn, to our cost, just how naive we were.

In the best of all possible worlds, a rescuer would be an honorable soul who would step in, support you through the immediate difficulty, and then vanish gracefully into the thin air. (Or else fall deeply – and respectfully – in love with you for precisely those qualities that you did not show in the crisis; such as strength, resilience, and independence.) Unfortunately, most rescuers don’t operate like that.

The Rescue Program

Most emotionally abusive men who ‘rescue’ damsels in distress are on the lookout for a woman who cannot take care of herself.  They obligate you to be grateful and subservient forever after. The Rescue Program is all about setting up a win-lose relationship. They win. You lose.

Abusive men are not remotely interested in helping you get back on your feet. They are interested in keeping you dependent – and co-dependent. Their key life skills include undermining your sense of self. That is why I, like so many other abused women struggled for so long to find the courage to leave an emotionally abusive partner.

What led me to leave

What finally led me to leave was a song broken wings. 

It happened like this. After over 16 years in my miserable toxic marriage/ common law, I heard the song. My income and my self-worth were both at rock bottom. That song spoke’ to me.  Not to mention the last horrifying fight and threats and accusations of betrayal which were not true. But these feelings and instinct told me there was a snake in the grass or vulture (as I called it) that maybe he was blaming me to cover his betrayal.  So, it led me to hear the song again. Instead of giving up on what I wanted, as I usually did, I simply said: “I’ll find a way.”

In the end, I lost my dreams of the future we were building and everything I owned and was homeless and without money because he controlled the relationship and financials.

Then, I started thinking maybe I need to let him go so he can find what makes him happy seems no matter what I do wasn't and trust me I did a lot to keep us together.  It wasn't his rules or his way it really didn't matter how much I did.  He had so much hate in him it was hard to love him sometimes but still stood by even with the abuse I tried to look at the positive what I saw once in the beginning that hope was there but guess it was an illusion on my side and I put blind folds on.

Leaving is a process

What I have learned, and what I now teach, is that the courage to leave an emotionally abusive partner is a process.  You only have to start the process, wherever and however you can, and a domino effect will ensue.  It really doesn’t matter how small your first steps are. The effect will be powerful and beneficial beyond anything that you can imagine at the start confusion trying to grasp it all at once. The courage to leave an emotionally abusive partner is not necessarily something that you have to screw up when you feel scared out of your head.

If someone could have told me how things would pan out, I would have laughed in disbelief. It was very overwhelming dealing with the abuse and betrayal after a double whammy that I had to deal with emotionally. Also, I had to deal with the after mass of picking up my life, the heart ache my soul torn out of me and the damages of mental health from the abusive relationship alone.  When you trusted someone with your heart and soul, and they betray you and mentally abused you and then leaves you fighting for your life and struggles.  that's when all the blind folds come off and you really see who they are and the impact it made on you and your life.  You are holding the after mass because they didn't care about you all along. But you fought to keep the relationship together. It wasn't your fault. They didn't want to seek help and change. 

Courage feels a LOT like fear

I believe that courage will be given to you also. Just be warned, the courage to leave an emotionally abusive Partner feels like fear – a LOT like fear.   Courage is a label that defines actions rather than feelings. Don’t ever sell yourself short again by believing that you can’t be courageous because you don’t feel courageous. It’s a myth that you need courage before you can make big changes in your life. You don’t need courage at all. You just need to listen to those small stirrings of your heart and soul and take the first small steps. All roads will lead you somewhere other than where you are stuck right now in abuse and betrayal. You may not know where you're going or who you are anymore. But time and healing and getting counseling is a start in the right direction.   Provided that you do NOT try to find another rescuer, or rebound relationship, to smooth the way.

So, if you're thinking on leaving don’t fixate on where you’re going to find the courage to leave an emotionally abusive partner. That really isn’t that important. It's taking the first step that's when you see your courage.

You will amaze yourself.

When you look back, you will be amazed at your own courage.  When you are in it, you might well feel, for a while, that you need to be wearing a diaper.  But that feeling will pass as you start to discover that you are far more competent and resourceful than you had imagined.

If you are struggling, chances are that you need to stop focusing on finding the courage.  Instead, you need to start thinking about having a life that makes your heart sing and find peace to heal from the trauma.

 It’s about time you switched your focus from the misery of life with an abusive partner to a life that filled with joy. It is never too late to make that happen. I also will say it won't be easy you're going to face so many challenges ahead but don't give up...

You may walk alone through these stages and feel alone but keep your head high. You never know what's ahead of you in this life. Wither poor broke have nothing you still have you.