The madness and harm the pathological narcissist causes can keep you hooked and baffled for years. Whilst in the cycle of abuse, you lose bits of yourself, and your life is hijacked. But here’s the thing. When you are wise to how the narcissist hooks you into this cycle of abuse, you CAN make the choice to break free.
This piece examines the key techniques
used by the pathological narcissist to hook you in hoovering & baiting.
Unhook yourself. Get wise to their games and refuse to play. Set yourself free
Concrete Angel.
How the narcissist ‘relates’ to others
The reason there is so much out there
on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is because of the horrendous damage
narcissists cause others they are in relationships with.
Whether this be with an intimate
partner, family member, friend, colleague…doesn’t matter. The abuse sustained
in close relationships is devastating.
But you already know that don’t you?
Else, you wouldn’t be busy reading all you can to find out what makes them tic.
Let’s dive in to deepen this knowledge.
The relationship pattern of the
pathological narcissist follows idealization, devaluation and discard which
takes place over periods of years, months, days, and at times, flip flopping
between phases in a matter of hours, even minutes.
These relationship phases are
hallmarks of NPD reflecting the psychology of the narcissist in how they relate
to themselves, and those around them.
This is how it works…
The role of splitting in idealization
& devaluation
Pathological narcissism is underpinned
by splitting which is an inability to tolerate ambiguity in the self or others,
resulting in black & white thinking.
The mind of the narc is only capable
of classifying people (and events, places & things…) as extremes of the one
concept. Intellectually they cannot cope with seemingly contradictory positions
belonging to the same entity.
For example, one cannot have both
positive and negative aspects. They must therefore be either ‘all good’ or ‘all
bad’.
Splitting applies to themselves, just
as much as it applies to you.
This is evidenced in their
constructions of ‘self’. Their false self is superior, omnipotent, grandiose
and entitled.
This fabrication is ‘all good’ and
created to deny their true-self that possesses opposing qualities of being
weak, out of control, and replete with feelings of ‘less than’. Psychologically
the narc therefore rejects their true-self that they have labelled as ‘all
bad’.
Similarly, this dichotomy is painfully
apparent in the roles you are assigned in the phases of narcissistic abuse.
During idealization you are classified
as perfect, yet in devaluation you are completely defective. There is not in
between.
At the outset of the relationship, you
are in the ‘all good’ phase of the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
You are idealized, worshipped and
adored. You are love bombed receiving incredibly fast declarations of undying
love, and continuous reinforcement of your perfection.
When devaluation hits, your
imperfections have become visible to them and shattered their classification of
you as being ‘all good’. Hence, you must now be ‘all bad’.
The role of supply in idealization
& devaluation
Let’s move from the basic structure of
the mind of the narc in terms of polarized thinking and how this applies to
you; and turn to what they need to pull from you to prove to themselves this
thinking is not flawed.
This, Angel, is supply.
In addition to the traits noted above,
those with NPD crave attention. No surprises here, huh?
Specifically, the attention they
hunger for, is anything that feeds that set of beliefs regarding their
false-selves. Getting these hits of validation is what they live for.
In fact, they cannot function without
it. To do so would mean annihilation to the pathological narcissist given their
rejection of who they really are.
It’s important to note that it’s not
just positive supply through flattering attention they hanker for.
It is also negative supply, the stuff
of abuse and most sought hit during devaluation.
Negative supply is the product of
triggering an emotional reaction from you through invalidation, which confirms
their power and control thereby validating their disordered belief system.
Because if they can retain power and control over you (and others), they
convince themselves they are in control of themselves.
So, in this way, in their minds, they
win. Specifically, they win the battle with themselves, but sadly the war is
externalized, and you angel one, are the punching bag.
How the narcissist hooks you in
This backdrop is necessary to
understand that hooking you is how they secure their hits of positive and
negative supply, depending on a) which phase of the cycle of narcissistic abuse
you are in; and b) whether you are handing over what they require in terms of
supply.
Hoovering & baiting are the
techniques used to hook you.
Do not get sucked in. Particularly
with hoovering. It isn’t about wanting you although they may verbalize this.
It is 100% about securing back in, to
source either negative or positive supply as needed.
DO NOT GET SUCKED IN!
The hoovering hook.
What is hoovering
Hoovering is the technique used to
suck you into the narcissist’s world of make believe, where you are on board
with them being God’s gift to humankind. And clearly when you are on ‘team
narc’ you are a veritable font of positive supply.
Hoovering hooks range from the obvious
to the truly bizarre. Some examples are below. To simplify how to spot it in
action, the hoovering hook is any behaviors designed to have you engage.
It is anything that opens
communication in the belief that once they have this locked down, manipulating
you further back into your role of steady source of supply is but a heartbeat
away.
When to expect hoovering
It could be said that love bombing,
that over-the-top worship which takes place during idealization is the
original, most powerful hoover.
It is ‘hoovering’ let loose, 24/7. A
deluge of adoration, attention, kindness, promises etc. until you are well
& truly hooked. This was your first hit. The first high of the drug the
narc got you hooked on.
They know the potency of the hoover.
They know how to target your deepest needs, wants and desires…and that by
supplying you with a little bit here and there, this keeps you under their
control.
This explains why during devaluation
the narc ensures they give you a taste of it every now and then by using
intermittent reinforcement. This keeps you hooked, a.k.a. trauma bonded.
They also use the hoover whenever
there is any possibility that their control over you may be waning.
Do not be fooled Angel if the hoover
hits post discard. It frequently does. It does NOT mean they have seen the
error of their ways. It DOES however mean that they have run out of alternative
sources of supply and are sousing out whether you are up for it.
In ANY scenario, hoovering is the
first test applied to assess how much residual supply you have left for them,
by assessing the strength of your boundaries.
Hoovering examples
- Telling you what you really want
to hear. These might be:
- an apology and false acceptance
of accountability.
- future-faking with promises of
changing their ways…they’ll go to therapy…that they will do ANYTHING to
make things work
- declarations of undying love…or
that they miss you…or the quick revisit to that spell that worked so well
during love bombing, ‘we are soul mates, we are meant to be together’
- Pity-plays, where your empathy and compassion are targeted,
knowing that these are REALLY tough for you to resist when manipulated,
with vulnerability subsequently guaranteed. These include:
- asking for help with overcoming
their issues or addictions
- using guilt to coerce you into
engaging by playing the victim
- threats of self-harm and suicide
- Testing the water communications like:
- brief ‘hey just checking in on
you’ or ‘thinking of you’ text messages
- ‘accidental’ random text
messages e.g.: ‘I’ll be there in 5 minutes’ where they will claim to have
meant to send it to someone else, or call hang ups (the purpose of these
are just to see if you will respond)
The baiting hook
What is baiting
Baiting is the narcissist’s deliberate
act of provoking emotional reactions to confirm their superiority and power
over you.
As with hoovering, the aim is to have
you engage with them, however, in this instance the mask is set aside.
When baiting sets in, the façade of
‘truly I’m a good person who cares about you’ is left behind. The pathological
narcissist intentionally triggers you for negative supply.
When to expect baiting
The narc will ordinarily test you
first with hoovering, and if this proves unsuccessful in getting a hit of
positive supply due to strength of boundaries, they will then move onto the
second test: baiting.
There are essentially two levels of
baiting testing.
Level 1 is when they raise the stakes
switching from idealism to devalue (or sweet to mean as is also often used), to
get that emotional reaction & negative supply.
If boundaries still hold strong,
narcissistic rage/injury is risked for them, and level 2 baiting is reached.
This is when they go for the jugular.
Baiting examples
Level 1 baiting:
- Pushing your buttons by intentionally exploiting your
vulnerabilities and trigger points
- Overt nastiness such as shaming, mocking, humiliating,
taunting, ridiculing, minimising and dismissing.
- Projective jibes including:
- seemingly random and unfounded
accusations that instead reveal truths about themselves – ‘you sleep
around’, ‘you’re on drugs’, ‘you’re obsessed with xyz’ etc.
- playing the victim which differs
from ‘pity-play’ described in hoovering. When used for baiting purposes
it is centred on blame shifting. YOU are the abuser. YOU are the crazy
one. YOU need help
- Intimidation and outright threats in efforts
to keep you compliant
- Sowing the seeds of the smear campaign where insinuations of your
abusiveness/craziness is disseminated. During level 1 baiting, the smear
campaign is strategically deployed to allow the narc wriggle room to
return to the external status quo of the relationship should you comply
and begin handing over supply once more.
- Triangulating by leveraging their smear campaign efforts stating
‘they all think you’re crazy/everyone agrees with me’
Level two baiting:
- All hell lets lose; all you hold
dearest is targeted. If it’s
your children, then they will fight for sole custody. If it’s your career,
they will poison your reputation. If it’s your home, they will take it
away from you. The fury of the narcissist is unequalled..
- Shifting the smear
campaign into overdrive to sabotage all areas of your life they
can get at. No more hedging bets just in case they can pull you back in as
supply. At this point they know you’ve got their number, so you must pay.
Family, friends, professional relationships, religious networks…NO ONE and
no falsehood will be considered out of bounds. The sole aim is to destroy.
Unhook yourself from the narc
You may wonder what the point of level
2 baiting is when unquestionably these actions burn their bridges with you.
Well Angel, in the mad escalating
frenzied ‘you must be controlled’ world of the pathological narcissist
(particularly malignant ones), if you take the bait and react, the negative
supply you hand over is nothing short of orgasmic for them.
Is this not vile?
Yes. It. Is.
Is there any room in your life for
this deeply damaging abuse?
NO. THERE. IS. NOT.
The only way to avoid the harm is to
break the cycle of abuse and unhook from their games.
You are now wise to the techniques
they use.
Make the choice. No more reacting to
hoovering & baiting. No more handing over supply.
Reclaim your life. Set yourself free.
Now.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Concrete Angel
Reference: https://narcwise.com/.../narcissist-hooks-hoovering-baiting/
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